#1/30 name drop like a mofo

miguelgallery:#11.jpg

I am committing to writing an email per day for 30 days.  This is the first one.  
~

When I wrote this story down, I was just sitting here having a memory wash over me and so I decided to share it with you.  I want to introduce you to my good friend DJ.  The pics above and below are me, DJ and some some dancers on the set of a dance film I made Many years ago.  DJ who also shot the film for me, is the bald guy looking effortlessly magestical next to me.  

I’m in that soft place today.  That feminine part of myself I only visit on rare occasions. Its Quiet here.  Not so Taurean as my sun sign makes me on most days.  Today I’m more Receptive. Something about the moon.

What’s on my mind is how I want to be more like Georgia O’keefe. Or PJ Harvey.  I want to embrace the quiet storm both women exude so effortlessly, that delicate fury encased in radiant non traditional beauty.  Neither of them give HOOT what anyone thinks of them or their choices. I crave that too.

Both women I mention have an extremely quiet power that has nothing to do with vibrato or volume. 

I met PJ Harvey once so I know How it feels to be in the presence of such an ember.

PJ or Polly was in a film of Hal Hartley’s and on set had became friends with my friend DJ.  DJ AND PJ.  Uh huh.  That’s right.

So DJ is a friend of mine and he was directing a show downtown that was in previews.  He called me and said “Please come and laugh loud (as you do Toback bc you're so damn loud) Critics will be there tonight and the house will be empty. So please come laugh”

~

You may not know DJ Mendel by name. He performed in the plays of Richard Foreman and also amongst the Wooster Group scene but he had a magic all his own.  I found myself immersed in this world w DJ and his famous friends. Cynthia Hopkins. Lauri Anderson. Jonothan Demme R.I P & Lou Reed R.I.P. All these brills were hanging around this dumbo brooklyn theatre scene at St Anns Warehuse.  VERY Artsy.  VERY experimental Performance art. Intellectual more than entertaining.  Sometimes too heady for my pop sensibility But its where I landed After my touring life began to slow down and it was a fine replacement.  I made a lot of great work that I am proud I was a small part of.

Anyhow DJ was a centerpiece in that scene and he often hired me to choreograph his shows.  So even if you have no idea WHO DJ is, trust me he is a gem and genius and when he says ‘Come Laugh!’ You Do.

~

So in the empty house of The Ontological Theatre at St Marks Church in the East Village sitting quietly in the dark that night is me, a girlfriend I invited to join me, AND PJ Harvey.  Ya I am pretty sure there like 3 of us in total.  I think it was a double billing of DJ’s one man play MY DICK DONE BROKE and our other friend Bob Cucuzza’s play SPEED FREAKS. Some scotch soaked dark humor in a Proscenium setting.  Totally downtown iykwim & If you haven’t guessed yet, This used to be my playground.

but DJ didnt tell me PJ would be there.  Neither did Bob.   & I WAS FLOORED.

HOLY SHIT.  It was all I could do to stare at her.  Her slight frame, so very thin and delicate.  Her big face, so dramatic and compelling.  Her quiet simmering energy.
She was in town doing research for her album and the bf was escorting her around town, showing her all the art she could possibly see in one month in NYC; research for her album that ended up being ‘Stories of the City, Stories of the Sea’.

Star struck does not describe what I felt in the theatre that night. She had always been my idol. My goddess. Her rage, her vocal screams, her incredible sense of rhythm and melody and poetry spoke to me like she wrote the songs for me.  Her other worldly style. Her biblical classicism mixed with punk hard edge tenacity.  She was my end all be all Rockstar. 

After the show, we all went to a local bar. DJ handed me a shot of whiskey and said  “CALM DOWN Toback.  Just fucking talk to her!”

So eventually after 2 or 3 Shots I approached her.  There was never a voice more whispery, or a character more etherial.  
I think I even said to her HOW CAN YOU BE THIS QUIET WHEN YOU PERFORM SO BIG?  Thankfully I dont remember much of our convo But If you have never seen her live, google her and include the word live.  There is no one more massive.  No one more subtle, more intriguing, more uncontainable.  They said they were seeing as much theatre as possible so I told her about my upcoming show. Which was conveniently happening the next weekend and I happened to be doing a solo where I sang a song of hers. Is that even fucking possible?  I did not believe for a second they would come.  Her bf said he would bring her though. And DJ said he wd make sure she got there.

AND SHE CAME.   SHE FUCKING CAME TO SEE MY SHOW.

I sang a PJ Harvey song called WATER with PJ HARVEY in the house.  Think about that for a minute.  You meet one of your idols and then sing for her. 

{This was not unlike the time I sang with Madonna.  You know you want to hear this one but you‘re gonna have to wait for it. ASSSSHtanga & Madonna is another email} but singing PJ’s song TO HER was out of this world.  Not real. A dream come true.   The song I sang, WATER,  is about Jesus walking on water but its also about feeling all the love Mary must have had in her heart for Jesus. Its an aching love song about proving to someone you love them.  Go find the old live version of this song and listen the fuck out of it.  Set aside a quiet moment and let the song take you. Wait for the end when she WAILS “WAAAAAAAATTTTEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRR!”.  Believe me, you will not regret it. Just click here. https://open.spotify.com/track/6bYC4SGw6ucZpSIdo8WY1h?si=nTEpi5plRhGYLLyiOfMRQA This isnt the live version but it will do.


~

Meeting your idols is satisfaction at its finest.   When PJ’s new album finally came out my friend Bob who had written one of the plays she came to that night called me. We were both squealing like children.

“HEY JOBACKI TOBACCI, DO YOU THINK THAT SONG IS ABOUT MY PLAY???  OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!”

We continued to scream “OMG PJ liked us” before hanging up the phone, totally lit with hope

At least that’s how I remember it.  My version of this story is that she loved spending the night with us so much she wrote a song that reflected our evening.  I guess I cant really state that as fact but 🤷🏻‍♀️Whatevs.   When you play ‘Stories of the city’ on your Spotify, think of PJ wandering around downtown late at night and catching shows.  Think of her seeing dance concerts and experimental theatre and live music. Then listen to the song ‘The whores hustle and the hustlers whore’ https://open.spotify.com/track/27teiR4hpiFzsWnstV4Ad9?si=AETcNQhMSdCTop51_SAGKg because this song describes the characters in my friend Bobs play SPEED FREAKS the one DJ had invited me to.  I am pretty sure she was writing about the world of the play in that song.

The truth is we all inspire each other.  If we could only feel & acknowledge how much we want to be like our inspired friends and how much they want to be like us.  If only we could give that complement to one another and then give it to ourselves as much as we actually think it & feel it.

Let’s all be more of ourselves so we can continue to be each other’s fire. We do not have to be famous to do that we just need to be LIT.  We dont have to have accomplished everything yet, we just need to KEEP GOING. 

Let’s be each others spirit animals.  Our own personal rockstar visionaries.  Let’s help each other ignite by being ignited ourselves. 
So whatever you’ve been doing that you love to do, please don’t stop.  Keep doing what you’re doing. I am watching you and learning and admiring you all. 

Don’t forget that. We do it for ourselves but we also do it for each other.

XXJT

 

#2/30 I don't have time for this shit

HEY!

So, I have been following http://ryanorrico.com/ since last fall and I took his online marketing course Rabbit Hole which is what inspired me to torture you all with #30daysofthesefuckingemails.  Have you checked him out?  So many of you on here are selling your wares even if you aren’t aware you are selling them YOU ARE and his course got me thinking about ways I can make money while I sleep.  In other words, ways I can make money and continue to build my cult following without being there in person for the brain washing and the mind control while also benefiting from the brain washing and the mind control. 

But seriously, you can do this too.  We all can.  So I’ll be sharing my process & you can apply it yours if you like.  

In fact, the reason this email is late (should have gone out 6pm yesterday) is my entire Mail chimp account and email list got swallowed into the cyber waves yesterday.  Does it matter why?  No. What matters is this: I lost my shit you guys.  I let it t ruin a couple hours of my life, until I couldnt take it anymore.  Then when I stopped throwing a tantrum in my head, I asked Tom to watch Una to give me some time to reload my email list and just dove into the work. 4 Hours of extra labor.  FUUUUCCCCKKKKK if it didnt piss me off that I had to work so hard to get this to you, but that’s life isnt it?  What doesnt force us to work our asses off isn’t usually worth having. 

~

SO I’m in the planning stages of the first project I want to sell which will be 3 short meditations.  My husband Tom is a producer and composer who has made many healing music albums with a similar purpose in mind.  Check out this beauty https://open.spotify.com/track/2TIM42f3MrSH5BxUer8NoD?si=LodFb0zkTcO0h-dKOjr_gg  I have had many people tell me they have sex to his music so I think we’re in good hands... & my meditations will make you want to have sex with YOUR ENTIRE LIFE...Or at least that’s my goal.  

Here are some of my personal thoughts on Meditations in general.  Feedback is welcome.

Who has time to meditate??  
For real, No one.  So a good mediation needs to be short and accessible, something you want to come back to because it works in helping you set the tone for the day.  We all need to make time for ourselves & time is often the obstacle in the way of us meditating at all.
So it needs to be short, sweet, and possibly a little bossy.  (I am short, I’ll-be-your-honey-if-you’ll-be-sweet AND I’m the boss.  Check, check and check)

Should a meditation be funny?  
I think so yes.  Everything has to have some entertainment value in order for us to connect to it.  Laughter is a form of medicine.  So in my opinion YES a meditation should be fun or funny.  And if there’s time, a little bit dirty. (I got this one in the bag)

The speaking voice must be smooth, soothing and relaxing. (Check).

The music must be smooth, soothing and relaxing. (CHECK). Because https://www.tomrossi.com/ is the producer, you guys are in for something special. In other words, we are going to ASMR the shit out of this thing!  In other words, get ready for ear porn.

When I look for a meditation to listen to, I always turn to the same one. Its called Patience Pays : Its Yogi Bhajan talking sweetly and compassionately but also with little sass about cultivating patience and having faith.  I will make sure my Medications HAH I mean Meditations live up to the Bhajan standard.

I am thinking of doing 3 because one for morning, one for afternoon and one for evening.  Are you with me on this?  Not that you wd do all 3 in one day but when you miss one you can always catch another and also because I need a different meditation in the morning than I do before bed.  Let me know what you think.

Tom wants to call the morning meditation “Wake the Fuck Up - Aliens are coming to probe your anus! ” but I am leaning towards “For fucks sakes wake up!”  Or maybe just “My morning Meds”.  

~

And no stories today I guess.  WELL OK JUST ONE. Its about unsubscribing

I knew my first email out I might get a couple unsubscribes.  BUT DUDE! I only got one and it was a HUGE SURPIRSE.  Not who I was expecting to unsubscribe AT ALL.  

The person who unsubscribed is a healer but she’s not just any healer.  She is a magician, a wizard of ancient ritual and mystical magic medicine as well as plant medicine, naturapathy, homeopathy, nutrition and by title, acupuncture.  This person diagnosed me while the fertility docs said I was fine.  She made me get the blood test which proved I had an over active immune system so I could eventually find the medication that would help me hold the final pregnancy with Una.  So this person is more than a friend, she is someone I will love forever and would walk in front of traffic to protect because she walks through traffic daily protecting her patients and fighting for them.  BUT EVEN SO she’s allowed to not want to hear from me!   And so are you. 

As it turns out she was doing a mass unsubscribe of spam and did not mean to unsubscribe BUT IF SHE HAD I INSIST it would have been fine fine fine.  If you dont want to hear from me daily, I GET IT. I am not for everyone.  An acquired taste.  Like sake. Or fine wine.  I consider your unsubscribe a step closer to folks who want me Bad.  The ones who think my word is brill, my humor is on point and my ass is perfection. THAT’S WHO I AM LOOKING FOR because they will buy my shit & get something from it & that means everything to me.

XXJT


 

#3/30 That time I danced for Peaches

Lovertits!  How do you NOT know who Peaches is?
https://open.spotify.com/track/3xhg9Aq50p2KPjHACAVR95?si=wJ3cTyM1SoiF_Nz5Ckb8zA 




I first heard her album The Teaches of Peaches  while getting into make up for Fischerspooner  performance at the downtown Standard hotel when it was a construction site. Yeah we were performing in a construction site that would become what you now know as the downtown standard hotel.  We were freezing, we were rehearsing in hard hats, we were peeing in porta potties but DAMN IT we were making great art. Those were inspired times and the song book for those times was Peaches.

~

But back to yesterday and my technical meltdown. Everything that was in my mail chimp account is gone; my old email list, all my half written emails and stories, all the chapters of my Miscarriage Manual which I was first writing in the forms of these emails... all of it cyber dust.

Sometimes everything goes away and we have to just keep moving forward before we even have time to mourn the loss.



Shortly after that LA show at The Standard, Fischerspooner broke up.  We broke into tiny fragments and I was one of those shards of glass cracked into a million pieces on the ground. I was sharp and edgy, I was bloody and broken, I felt like I would never recover. Who was I without them?  I know that sounds dramatic but its how I felt.

Pulling myself together to  keep making dances was almost impossible but I did it. Tom & I put together our first POON show and performed it at PS122 to sold out houses and lots of good press but the loss of this particular group of friends continued to haunt me. 

Around that time I was still living in Williamsburg which had become MECCA for the art world.  I was eating at Empire Diner one afternoon and saw Peaches having lunch at the counter if I remember correctly she was alone so I walked up to her and said "Hey!" and introduced myself.  

She was friendly with FS, they were both part of the electroclash movement / moment and so I worked the angle that I had been the FS choreographer and was wondering if she ever needed some moves or dancers on stage.  She said her band was performing that weekend did I want to go-go dance? HELL YEAH I WANTED TO GO GO DANCE.

Because 'Fuck the pain away' people.  Fuck it AWAY. 

So I grabbed my friend Rachel Murray, a signature Mark Morris dancer who knew her way around a stripper pole and we showed up at the theatre and sat backstage with Peaches while she proceeded to tell us little or nothing about what she wanted us to do.  or to wear.

We were on our own.

I am a girl who likes to plan.  I enjoy rehearsal because then I can shine. A total improv on stage scares the bejesus out of me.  but thats what we did.  We took PEACHES bumper stickers and covered our breasts with them.  Then bootie shorts and stripper heels and some fishnet somewhere covering something and we strolled out on stage during 'Lovertits'.  I don't remember all that much but it was the 'keep going' in me that took this opportunity as CRAZY as it was and ran with it. Sadly I have no documentation from this evening. TERRY RICHARDSON took pics of me that night and I don't have anything to show for it.  But its embedded in my memory and that will have to suffice.

~

I read some new age kook on twitter the other day saying some bs like "if things aren't easy, if they aren't flowing for me, I am not doing it"  Biggest pretentious whine ever tweeted. This is literally the opposite of what I know and have come to believe as The Truth.

Everything falls away a lot of the time and this doesn't mean its not worth working hard to put back together or to start anew. Easier is not a way to evaluate anything.  The only way to evaluate is your desire to push through, this is all that matters. Desire keeps us working hard and feeling accomplished and  it also keeps us connected to one another, helping each other.

Work it and work it hard. That's my tweet in response to some new age "things should be easy" BS.
That and
‘Fuck the pain away’.
https://open.spotify.com/track/1XHFob24QklIXtLRopKirJ?si=AD1y61A5Spyk479FmbsMTQ 
Come on let’s 'Set it Off'.  
https://open.spotify.com/track/3lwQpz9k4qPDGBzBfbuPaw?si=7pW_o8eVQI2GcE7PtG25PQ 
And
‘Diddle my Skittle’.  
ttps://open.spotify.com/track/5XZzxaNL75CfMS14Ht0ztA?si=d2Dx-jjwR-KdBg16AU_UBw

Its worth it - this much I know for sure.

XXJT

PS We'll be getting started on recording our short, funny, sexy meditations this weekend. I ll keep you posted.


#4/30 They say that falling in love is wonderful

I have only fallen in love a few times in my life.  Wonderful is not a word that comes to mind.

For me the falling in love experience has been with a person romantic and sexual but it has also been with a creative partner or collaborator who I thought was incredible.  In all the instances I can think of where I have been IN LOVE I have never brought my full self.  And I found it hard to stay present.

This has been consistent my whole life.

For me, and maybe this is universal, being 'in love' means I have given up some of my personal power.  I only give up my personal power when I believe this other person is better than I am therefore I am probably not worthy of their attention therefore I need to PROVE to them I am worthy of their love.


When I put it into words it sounds gross, but there it is. What follows is that I am not contained, self supported or in reality.  I go off balance and I am in fear. Its exciting but in the end, unsatisfying.

I realized today that I don't bring my full self into the moments I am most 'in love' bc I am frozen paralysed by the impossible standard I have set up for myself and for others.  

So in that moment the fear of not being seen or of being seen and then being passed over or rejected is very real and can seem life threatening or unenduringly humiliating.  So I freeze bc its better than the alternative of being rejected. Pretty safe bet what the outcome will be and no one will have SEEN me so I AM SAFE.  

Gives cupid's arrow new meaning right?  Cue the above image of the Ecstasy of St Theresa. 

~

I remember feeling this way when I met Mark Morris. I was so blown away with his genius. He paid very careful attention to me at that workshop at Jacobs Pillow Summer of '90 when we first met and it scared the shit out of me.

"Jordana.......JORDANZZA! Come back tomorrow and show us this phrase on the left. We'll all watch you do it.  You can show us how its done."

And I did it.  I remember coming to class the next day having rehearsed the phrase on the left all night long, but feeling like I could barely move. I could barely show him how much I loved his movement because I was frozen with fear.

This has been consistent my whole life.

~

I recently found myself pointing at someone I think is incredible and saying "He is unimpressionable.  He is unimpressionable. He thinks he is better than me so he won't let me make an impression on him.  He is unimpressionable".

It hurt my heart to say this.  Something about it just felt unfair and untrue. So then I brought it back to me.

What if I am the one who is unimpressionable?

And I could feel how true that is.  So I went deeper.

Into the exact moment where I felt I could not make an impression on this person. If I am honest with you today and with myself, I could barely stay present. In fact I felt like I had to hold myself together from coming undone with ME. With the exuberance I feel.  With the giddy excitement I can't always contain. With the power of my sexuality. With how much space I take up when I embody all that I feel.

I thought bringing ALL OF ME into the room would embarrass me. Or him. Or would not be received / will be rejected.  Or is just. not. acceptable.  

~

So here I am, scared to bring all of myself forward and I am ready to blame someone else for being unavailable. Or for being unimpressionable. Or for being unimpressed with me. And I have not even showed them who I really am. Or what I am capable of.  

WHAT A TRAP.

I'm holding myself SO tightly because I am in fear. I'm scared to move too much or to dress this way or that. I am scared to make eye contact, to speak or to touch.  To make the jokes I want to make.  To dance. To sing. Even if others are dancing and singing.  When I danced for Mark Morris, I definitely tried to show him who I was but I was coming from a place of feeling so small, I never gave myself a fighting chance.

When I see the discrepancy between how I'm acting / what I'm projecting in that moment VS. what I want, how I want to be treated & how I long to be seen,  I see every significant disappointment I have ever had in my life, explained.

I keep seeing IG gurus touting this idea that we need to teach people how to treat us.

AND I AGREE

Walking into a room feeling powerless and frozen and then expecting others to be impressed with us ANYHOW and to come towards us with love in their hearts is crazy.

I have basically been teaching everyone in my life that I fell in love with to treat me like a deer in headlights.

Bringing our projections back to ourselves is profound.  This one is happening for me today and it will take me some time to really incorporate it but I wanted to share this with you anyhow.

TAKE THIS WITH YOU:

Think of someone you are blaming for something in your life. Take that story you are projecting onto them and see if you can try that jacket on yourself.  And see if it fits.

Let me know how that feels to wear it around the house.  It sucks for a second but it explains so much.  

HERE is the silver lining:

I barely showed up to most of the love in my life and still got a lot out of it.  
I got so much accomplished ANYHOW.
IMAGINE what  I can accomplish when I bring my entire self to the table.  
IMAGINE what I can create when my light shines fully my heart radiates all the love I feel and I don't hold back my exuberance! 

The world will be my oyster.....and it will also SURELY BE YOURS.

XXJT

'They say its wonderful'   
https://open.spotify.com/track/3vgNELn8MEMjWbdb3hAi3P?si=yd_ZNgcNTLmw3CaBt3POqghttps://open.spotify.com/track/3vgNELn8MEMjWbdb3hAi3P?si=yd_ZNgcNTLmw3CaBt3POqghttps://open.spotify.com/track/3vgNELn8MEMjWbdb3hAi3P?si=yd_ZNgcNTLmw3CaBt3POqg

the_ecstasy_of_saint_theresa.jpg

#5/30 Nude Model

 

I used to be a nude model for artists in NYC.  It was a blast (as in it was a power trip) and also very strange.

I wandered into almost dangerous situations weekly & didn't focus on the danger bc it didn't occur to me to. Being naked in front of a room full of artists was a way to feel empowered, to get attention and to make money. I was naive. And lucky.

One time a painter guy from one of the classes at Art Students League invited me to pose for him at his home.  I called my friend Jon before I entered the guys flat and said "Call me in 1 hour and make sure I am ok".

The painter guy asked me to pose for him in white tube socks and nothing else. I tried to talk him out of it but he had a fetish or something.  Think of those thick white ankle socks Kim Basinger wore in 91/2 weeks but ya also naked. That's how he painted me.  When Jon called right on time the guy said to me “I bet you have to set up things like that to protect yourself. I mean you don’t know me and you are naked in my apartment”.

Naked, vulnerable,...with tube socks.

I met a famous sculptor once at the restaurant I worked at in between touring gigs. David Rabinowitch was his name and I wasnt familiar with his work but somehow we ended up at his table talking at the end of the night. I said to him  “If you're an artist you must work with live models” and he thought that was a fine idea and did I want to come model in his soho loft for him.

I charged him a shit load bc his loft was the size of a city block but when I realized how abstract his work was (HELLO NO PORTRAITS NO HUMAN FORMS at all whatsoever anywhere) the whole thing felt pretty silly.  So I laid on his couch naked while he sketched me and we hung out. I think we drank wine. He may or may not have thought it was a date.  He drew squiggles on a pad of paper and then I left. I don't have a drawing from that night I wish I did but at least I have this memory.

There are more stories - all of them could be filled under ‘Jordana put herself in danger a lot in her 20’s’.

Are there ways you have put yourself in harms way? Is this email reminding you of any of them?

I made a pretty hard turn one day when I re watched a film I was in.  The part I played in Happy Birthday Miss America is pretty raw: I am mostly exposed, I smoke, I drink, me and DJ the director simulate sexual acts and then I pee on him as a birthday present (not real pee guys, its the magic of cinema please).  DJ’s film is pretty genius and there's nothing wrong with my part in it but something about the exposure felt like maybe I had gone too far.

For myself.

Like what am I trying to prove? 
And I didn’t know any more.
So that's when I stopped making a habit of showing everyone my tits.  

~

The Sikhs believe women have many auras and one is an arcline from nipple to nipple. To expose it to too many people can potentially weaken her aura and since auras are for protection and projection this can be problematic. For a woman to have sex with multiple partners can weaken her aura (bc she connects with each lover energetically and exposes her auras to each lover) but to build a sexual connection with one person can add strength to her aura which can already be strong from meditation and clean living. Men have a different lot in life. Their aura will be strengthened by ‘marriage’ and monogamous sex too but not weakened by exposure to multiple lovers.

So YEAH GUYS go GO! GWON!  Fuck a lot with multiple partners, flash your stash and STAY AURICALLY FIRM!  

MANOMANOMAN

Whatever - I don't know what I believe.  Some days I think I have an aura between my nipples and it feels true.  Other days I am an exhibitionist. Some days I'm shy AF.  Mostly I am proud of all the art I helped create with this body and I wouldn't change any of it for the world.  All my dancing body adventures have taught me something necessary and continue to teach me things when I share them with you.


Its getting late so lets bring it home shall we?

Empowerment and posing nude don't necessarily go hand in hand. (although they can)

The only meaning ANYthing has is the meaning we give it

Sometimes people get naked for cash because their body IS their art, and art is commerce, baby

Stay cool. Stay naked. But don't forget the tube socks.

Love,
Jordana

 

 Photo by Meeno Peluce Downtown LA, circa 2003

Photo by Meeno Peluce
Downtown LA, circa 2003

Sculptures by David Rabinowitch

 


#6 That time I realized I was psychic

Well, it didn't happen all at once.

Its taken years for me to come to terms with this mostly bc the world we live in measures everything from proof and its hard to measure the truth of what I get.  

The hits I get tend to come and go without much rhyme or reason so for many years I just shook it off as nothing.

Not knowing someone at all and meeting them for the first time and shaking their hand I can have a lot more intel come through then when I know them.

One time I was in the subway in NYC.  A guitar player was performing and singing. His name was Theo.  His eyes wandered.  He had a lovely way about him.

When I arrived at my friend Karen's apartment I said “Do you know that guy Theo that plays on the subway?”  Somehow even though he played all along the 4 5 6 line And the N R line I sensed she knew him personally.
She said “Yes. Yes I do.”
“When I watched him play I saw a photograph over his forehead. The picture was of him being severely abused by his father. He was a heroine addict right?”

Her jaw dropped.  She sat down and said “How did you know that?”  

~

The thing was he wasn't an obvious recovering drug addict. He looked like a kid who went to college in New England and was the star of the Crew team.  Mostly what I was seeing was pretty far into his past but Karen knew from personal experience who he was and what he had been through at the hands of his father. So it was wild to have her validate the hit I got in the moments directly following my vision.

This was not the first time that happened to me but its the first time I took note because there was no guessing. I saw a picture like a Polaroid over Theo's third eye and it depicted his past.  And what I saw was true.

There is a lot of this type of alchemical magic in my life and I have always had preemptive warnings of the biggest magic, where I see what's coming to me whether it be love or a dream job or I conjure exactly what it is I am fantasizing about. The most curious part of my super power is that its the only time I have felt / feel a steadfast confidence. That I am in the right place, that everything is in the right place,and that indeed, I am safe.  Its me at my most relaxed my most centered and my most productive.  I don't need to push or pander or beg or seduce, I can just be. And I can just allow all the good stuff to flow into and out of me.

I have more stories about how I see things about people, or how I've both consciously and unconsciously manifested INCREDIBLE SHIT but what's important tonight is I am finally able to own up to the strange concoction of healing, intuition, body work, artistry & wisdom that  I have to offer.  

The meditations that I have been telling you about will help you connect with yourself in new and shape shifting ways.  You know that, right?

Just think about how you're already shifting because of the nature of what I have been sharing with you in these emails.  I am choosing to tell intimate stories because if you watch me take a chance and be vulnerable,  you're energetically invited to soften along with me.  If you watch me fall on my face and see how I never give up until I get what I want, you will believe the same for yourself.  We light each other on fire.  We melt together.  We cool each other off.  We do it without thinking.  And we do it because we can't help ourselves but feel for each other.  

~

So I am working on writing the meditations and will get them out one at a time as they get completed.

Morning Meditation is called WAKE THE FUCK UP
Afternoon Med is called MAY THE FUCK BE WITH YOU
and Evening Med is called CHILL THE FUCK OUT

Yes - they are all about fucking bc connecting to the kundalini is connecting to the creative force is what gets you fired up is what will fire your frightened ass straight through desire and into enjoying your own company bc you are so damn fuckable.  


More soon.
XXJT

Here's what others are saying about me, these emails and what I offer:

"You make me feel.  Which is saying so much about you and your abilities to connect through your own vulnerability" 
- Jamie

"Simply sublime"  - Erin. 

"You are sharing some powerful truths.  Blowing my mind!" - Alex

"Going nuts over your email today.You blow my mind and I m not surprised at all that you are a magnet for woke people. You are bright as the sun in charisma and charm"  - Rachel

This woman is lightening and grit and I am just drawn to her" - Also Rachel

"Holy smokes!  Keep it coming Jordana"  - I don't know who wrote that but its in my file of reviews & testimonials.

 

Everything in its right place.   https://open.spotify.com/track/5AiNZnMDCWwujIENPj9PV9?si=rcvhIBJoRWumk7S_UbLeZA


#7 That time I was named after an Argentine Revolutionary

I was named after Che Guevara

I am not a Che specialist just one of many who hold a piece of his spirit in the idea form of a name.

My closest friends call me Che and my brothers kids call me Auntie Che Che Bc my brothers nickname for me growing up was Dena Che.  It makes my heart smile when someone refers to me as CHE. The name translated means ‘buddy’ so trust me when I say hearing someone call you CHE feels like hug around your heart.

~

About 2 years ago I got stopped by the TSA agent. He asked me for another form of ID in addition to my Drivers license. WTF since when was a drivers license not enough??  This was before the Muslim ban and right around Trump deciding to run for Potus and it was a WOW surpirse to me.

“Why do you need another form of id? Why would I have a second piece of ID when I have my License?? Why are you asking me this?” I got loud.

My white privelidge allowed me to bitch this guy out bc if I had been browner it would not have gone over well.

What I realized in this moment is when you’re named after someone, its a legacy you need to pay attention to. No matter who your namesake is, there is information in a name and there is energetic history in a legacy.  

Some thoughts running through my head tonight.

I am exotic. I stand out.
I am a russian jew. I am proud to be one. I look like I could be Spanish or Greek or Hawaiian or Mexican or Israeli or Italian.  I only know this bc I traveled a bunch and when I was in Spain, Greece, Hawaii, Mexico, Israel AND Italy people spoke to me in the native tongue and assumed I was theirs.  One time I was told I looked like those Tahitian women Gauguin painted so let’s throw in Tahitian but I‘ve never traveled there.  

NYC subway I was spoken to in Spanish MORE than English.

The point is I currently enjoy standing out as ‘maybe not white’ and I enjoy that my ethnic backround is a bit of a mystery. I currently like the attention that being different pulls in but this wasn't always the case.  When I was a kid I hated my name. My mom said I couldn't change it but I added all sorts of ‘regular’ names to it when I signed my art work. My name became ‘Jordana Robin Heather Cindy Snowflake Toback’ for a while.  I basically threw Che to the curb. 

My parents were hippies and they were also commi friendly. In the intellectual sense
This means their outlook was a bit socialistic.  Everyone should have.  They gave to every charity and did not want Reagan's tax cuts for the Upper Middle Class.  Pretty far left to some.  You get the picture.

Che was fighting for what he believed in.
Whether you know of Che or his plight or not, he fought for poor people who could not speak for themselves or could not be heard. In his mind that‘s what he was doing whether that is how we remember him or not. 

Che traveled by motorcycle through Latin America and that was when he saw too much suffering because of poverty to stay in his field of Medicine, feeling he could transform more, & help the impoverished more in the political arena of armed struggle and resistance.

My personal business cards just say my full name Jordana Che Toback.
I do many things and I always have had multiple jobs (nude model, event performer, part time amateur psychic) so my card just has my name. I figured if I met a potential client or intersected with a possible employment opportunity a general card was best.

One class I taught back at Crunch NYC, a woman approached me and asked me for my contact info. As she walked away reading my card she said,

“Wait wait wait a minute - your middle name is Che? As in Che Guevara?”

“Yeah I said. He went missing when I was in my moms belly.”   He died October 9th and I was born exactly 7 months later on May 9th.

Apparently my parents were drinking expensive wine that night with other hippy friends and when they heard on the news Che had gone missing in Bolivia everyone feared the worst.  My mom decided that night to name me after Che bc they were drinking this expensive wine that Che would have scoffed at. So Bourgeois!  'He would turn in his grave' she always used to say so she honored his sacrifice by naming me after him.

But the woman holding my business card trying to figure out how I got this guys name was from Argentina and AS IT TURNS OUT (alchemical magic 101) was the daughter of Che’s medical school professor.  When she was a girl Che would walk her to school every morning in trade for her helping him with his English.

She told me personal stories about Che, his 19 year old ambitions, his dreams of saving the world.
I got to hear all about the man who I was named for.  He was obsessed with medicine and the body.  The human form and all its power and mystery. He was deeply compassionate. He loved all languages. He loved to accumulate knowledge. He was charming.  He was genuinely kind. Meeting this woman was nothing short of awesome.

~

Were coming into a time where we all need to be Che. We all need to stand for who we are, who we were named for if that applies and what we believe in. What is your legacy going to be?  The more we can embody and honor who we are, the more our integrity will be reflected in our work, our abundance and even our society.  

Yogi B used to talk about how the healers and the teachers would be needed now more than ever. That the Aquarian age would bring with it a lot of chaos and the healers and the yogis would need to stay mentally fit, balanced, steadfast and true to help others.  

So keep taking care of yourself. Be yourself. Fully. Meditate. Listen to your body. You know the drill.

I have decided there will be 4 meditations - a complete album
WAKE THE FUCK UP
MAY THE FUCK BE WTH YOU
CHILL THE FUCK OUT
and the final chapter
KEEP ON FUCKING

Keep on fucking you guys. Do it for the children. Do it for Jesus.



But seriously Do it for Che. Do it for the YOU you need to be so nothing will fucking break your stride. 

XXJT

Some stuff Che said:

'If you tremble with indignation at every injustice, then you are a comrade of mine.'

'The true revolutionary is guided by a great feeling of love. It is impossible to think of a genuine revolutionary lacking this quality.'

'I know you are here to kill me. Shoot, coward, you are only going to kill a man.'


#8 That time I got sued for no reason

I don't have much to say about anything today.  Its Tuesday.

Everything I have to write about is making me overwhelmed and angry.

For example I have an IG friend whose next door neighbor had a breakdown and was stopped from jumping out the window by SWAT at 5 am.  She could not help but be exposed to the entire meltdown bc she could hear it and see his balcony.

She is a brave warrior & I have total faith in her but a lot of pain was unearthed for her during this guys mental breakdown.  Someone lovingly advised her to sage and say to herself "I am safe" which might really help my friend.  For me, it brought up some thoughts and memories and inspired this email.

I was in a similar situation once and someone told me to do this. She kept telling me I was safe and to tell myself I was safe But I knew deep down I was not safe so the words meant nothing to me.  And it absolutely backfired. This makes me angry to even think about right now.

Let's start there:

I do not have it in me to tell the whole story of my loft:  How I had the lease on a 3000 sq ft town hall in Park Slope. 3 bedrooms 24 ft ceilings.  It was divine.  How I covered the rent with sub tenants renting out the bedrooms and danced in the middle area which was an actual ballroom in its heyday.  How I was unknowingly subletting one of the rooms to a dry drunk who 5 years in, brought home a real life succubus demon (his new gf) How he would move her into his room without telling anyone & together they would do a bunch of drugs smoke a bunch of cigs and set their room on fire.  How this fire would ignite on the eve of my 5th miscarriage and how when I asked them to leave they refused. How instead of leaving they found a pathological lawyer who had no moral issue creating a fake lawsuit accusing me of assault and battery with one goal in mind:  to empty my bank account so I would let go of the loft and they could take over my lease. 

~

Yes this really happened and yes I was in the middle of fertility treatments and multiple losses, and yes it led to having what I think was akin to a partial nervous breakdown.  If there is such a thing.  It was a dark time. 

A woman who attended healing school with me and who meant well told me "You are safe. You are safe. keep telling yourself you are safe"  But I knew I was not safe. I was not able to hold a pregnancy.  My lease was keeping me in constant contact with two crazy liars who were suing me and my money was dwindling.  I was trapped in psychic agony.  Telling myself that I was safe made me more nervous more anxious & more ANGRY bc it did not acknowledge my emotional reality.   Its superficial to put a bandaid on a cancer just as affirmations cannot technically help if they simply lie on top of unprocessed pain.  It just takes too much energy to convince ourselves of something our heart knows isn't true.  

Putting idealized notions on top of unacknowledged pain squanders your energy. Even if they are awesome idealized notions, filled with love and good intentions, they only help when we're ready for them to help.

But you know what's easy to digest? The truth. And you know what gets us right into our hearts? The truth. And you know what helps us align and move forward and balance and enjoy and manifest?  You guessed it bitches.  Its the truth.

I will interject here that YES language and self talk must be clarified and looked at.  Must be in tune with what we want.  BUT FIRST WE NEED TO ACKNOWLEDGE OUR TRUTH.  

Take any moment that affirmations seem to not be working, seem to be stubbornly empty and just fill in the blank with the truth and sit with it.  

It is such a relief to stop the vicious cycles within ourselves.

Give yourself time to dance with the truth. To argue, bash to oblivion and eventually embrace the truth.  But sit with her and honor her.  She is there to help you. I know bc she saved my life.

This is what will eventually comfort us and teach us. and guide us towards wholeness.

That's all I got today.  Pretty sure my friend IS safe and is FEELING safe too - but her story reminded me so I dove in. 

XXJT


#9 SWEETNESS


"There were many outstanding things about this wonderful woman.  Her voice was like a freshly opened bottle of champagne. She was warm and honest. I still smile when I think of Gwen laughingly calling me. . . Tabhuntah. . . One word. . . with a New York accent. Gwen has not only left an indelible mark on Broadway, but she lives on in the hearts of those who were fortunate enough to have known her and worked with her. . .When I think of Gwen, I think of the word “Vulnerable” and she was just that. . . “vulnerable”. . . You will be missed dear Gwen. . . God Bless You.  TAB HUNTER  

~

I love this quote about Gwen Verdon.  Ever since I read it, I cant stop thinking about how I have never been proud of my vulnerability.

When People tell me I am sweet or say “She’s a doll” it really bums me out.  It Depends on the circumstance of course but for the most part, it rubs me the wrong way.

First of all I am not sweet, really. I guess I have moments of sweetness but they’re rare.  Its just not my way. I am critical, I think critically. I am sarcastic. I enjoy a good complaint. I LOVE TO RANT. ESP if its ALSO funny and I get a laugh then I can't stop.  I don't kiss up. I don't kiss ass. If I like you you can feel it.  If I don't like you you can also feel it.  In short I don’t hide much.  Even when I dig someone especially when I dig someone in a big way,  I find it EVEN HARDER to be sweet.  I am usually a jokester or take the piss instead of straight up sweetness. 

I grew into being this way because I am highly sensitive but I sometimes feel as if someone is trivializing my power with “awww you’re sweet”.  Like they don't see me. They don't get me. They're trying to keep me small by buttering me up.  They’re letting me know they think I can be taken advantage of. 

I once asked my friend Rachel if I seemed like a bitch on IG and she said "No you seem tender" and I liked how that sounded so I borrowed it and now its mine.  My empathy used to look different : saving stray cats, uncontrollable crying on the subway because I was sitting across from someone who was leaking psychic pain, swallowing someones pain so that I could manage it or be in control of it because it was overwhelming to me. But in the end, this backfired terribly.  In fact all of it backfired terribly.

Currently I am getting to know my tenderness and I am stepping into sharing it. This is leading to me enjoying myself, enjoying my sensitivity and my own company more and finding a new found self assuredness that is steady and safe.  My contentedness IS its own container, its own boundary, its own energy field that sees what's outside of me but doesn't take shit on.

I am discovering that part of my mission is to share honest reflection through story telling to inspire others to connect to themselves in the same way.

In my mind its an invitation for you to connect with yourself and to reflect on your own stories. The ones that made you, shaped you, the ones you took the most from.  To those of you who have responded to me with your stories I LOVE IT.  keep it coming.

I used to be MORTIFIED to bring honest reflection and to share what I saw in others.  I attended the IM school of healing arts and every time I spoke up to comment on something that was happening in the room, I would contract so hard.  My teacher never told me I was sweet he would just say with love and reverence in his voice YOU ARE SO HONEST. His complement was such a reward for me bc in my house honesty was not rewarded it was punished.

People leave you when you're honest.

Or so I was taught.

Levent told me on many occasion that my honesty was a gift and necessary for the group to shift and that my presence was needed in the room.  He made it seem like the healing was aided by my honesty.  Its taken me years to really own up to what he was asking of me back then.

Currently Levent rests in a nursing home, unresponsive but alive. I miss him the most when big events happen, like the birth of my daughter.  He would have loved spending time with her.

I visited him a few short months ago and held his hands and we connected on the spiritual plane.  I cried for a while and then I promised him I would visit even if it was from my mind.  I promised him I would communicate with him through the ethers if I needed him to guide me in any way and I promised him I would continue to share.

And I will.
Have a great night you guys.
XXJT
 

The Smiths bc Morrisey is the QUEEN of vulnerability
Sweetness I was only Joking
https://open.spotify.com/track/2OErSh4oVVAUll0vHxdr6p?si=WCmJ5hWhRfue0Fvv8toyeg
Reel around the fountain
https://open.spotify.com/track/5bSASu4W0HJx6CuG8rbRcA?si=a0_bDaUJRbmZTPHeX9UBoQ

 


#10 That time I was speechless

 

MOOD.

This is my mood.   Not filled with words.  Working on WAKE THE FUCK UP so I’m thinking of all the ways to wake up your Kundalini - your life force- your creativity- your INSPI!  I am thinking of what helps me when I’m stuck what keeps me going when I’m already on it what keeps me pushing through to the finish line when things GET REALLY HARD bc things always get impossible before they resolve.  Finish lines are painful and beautiful and everything.  

These are pics taken by Christopher Duggan in the 2011 of an evening length dance performance called Crush The Pearl set to Radiohead and Thom Yorke songs. My dancers posted from the Radiohead show last night in NY so it made me think of them.  One of them looks like she is pushing through a finish line. 

More words tomorrow.

XXJT


#11 Favorite T. 

The Lemonheads.

https://open.spotify.com/track/15T5zb1i1cq9liKNrg3N78?si=9rjoko9SS9CAAQwO81VQB

I took my favorite line of this song as a prompt for this email.

~

When I was 11 I had a favorite T. I used to wear it every day.  Come to think of it it was a button down plaid very thin cotton shirt but I loved how it breathed in the LA heat and I loved how it looked with my favorite jeans.  So that was my uniform.  And that was that. 
Simple times.

But even when things were simple and I would sit in contemplation in my favorite tree wearing my favorite T, I was always thoughtful.  And by thoughtful I mean full of thoughts.  I was always aware of my internal dialogue.  

I was with one of my friends who knew me from my grammar school-favorite-tree-favorite-T days.  We were casting ourselves with current comediennes.  We agreed she is Melissa McCarthy all the way and I thought for me Maya Rudolph or Sarah Silverman.  She said "MAYA ALL THE WAY!  You were always the sensitive one".  

~

As an adult, even when failing or falling flat on my face, this recording of self awareness has been instrumental in my healing and being able to recognize the truth.  Truth is a combination of things but I have always had a sense that there was a way to hold both sides at the same time maybe multiple sides at the same time, even when I was not capable of doing it for myself.  Even when I was stuck in vicious cycles sabotaging myself left and right, I knew the truth was out there waiting for me.  And when I was ready I would be able to jump in.  I had faith I would get there.

Getting there (which is currently HERE) has not been easy in any respect but getting here has shown me what I am made of.  What I am made of is lightening and grit & my willingness to learn has made me indestructible.  

I have stamina if I need to.  When I need to.  And if I need to get to a finish line, for me or for someone else, I have no doubt in my mind that I ll get us there.

~

Healing is multi-dimensional.  There is no fix it plan.  There is no one way.  There are no actual rules except you have to show up.  We have to approach it from many angles.  We need to come armed with willingness.  That is all.

At the time where we lose patience (which will inevitably happen) we need only be willing. 

At the times when we are UNwilling we just need to know that there is another side and eventually we'll get there.  If not today, tomorrow.  So we just need to know there is more.  Even when it feels like shit.  and even when it feels like there is nothing worth living for.  and like hope is a foreign word.  There is always more.

~

Whenever I hear teachers gurus therapists talking about ways for you to fix you, through rigid re patterning or layers of affirmations or positive this or that or you know "Stop following accounts that make you feel bad about yourself" I say YES do that.  Do all that. But there is more.

I wonder does everyone know that there is more?  That other people annoying or distracting us isn't the problem so deleting their accounts is not a real answer?  Deleting someone from your life is not an answer that will provide deep change, not when WE are our own problem And we need to take of care of ourselves better. 

The More I refer to is that radical honesty with yourself about yourself.  

Radical honesty leads to accountability.  Which leads to self trust.  Self trust becomes pleasureable..... more pleasurable then letting others tell us who we are.
Then THAT becomes a boundary of sorts. You are contained in your own self trust you are not leaking and wont let yourself be leaked on.  

So this is my mission.  (To keep bringing us back to this truth) This is why I need to speak up.  Its not fair that you are only being offered superficial answers. Fix it plans. Affirmations that don't do shit.

Real healing takes time patience energy. There is no fix it.  Its multidimensional bc you have to approach everything with the same honesty.  And you need your cheerleaders (or as Brenee Brown calls them your Move-The-Body friends), to be folks who understand this premise:

How you do anything is how you do everything.  Approach all things in your life with radical honesty when in conversation with yourself.

Everything good I have ever received or experienced has come from the above statement bc it has multidimensional benefits. 

This is the only fix it plan I know that you can rely on day in day out.

~

Here’s a song for you.   Whether you just came back from a night on the town Or you spent the eve in your cozy T, snuggling with your honey and your kitty cat
Because its Saturday night.

Another Saturday Night / Cat Stevens
https://open.spotify.com/track/3ekij6XVw1F5dFX9oLvNU0?si=LfsypkC3TAa7-Q5p-AryXw

Love,
JT